Hey, I know I haven’t blogged for a while, I don’t really have an excuse other than I didn’t know what know write about.
It’s Sunday night, it’s 10pm. My 5month old is about to wake up and cry the place down because he wants a bottle and I’m sat on the living room floor sobbing.
Laundry is scattered all over the place, a clean pile, a dirty pile and a pile of things I’m not sure about. There’s coloured rice all over the carpet (did some sensory play with Sam earlier, he loved it). Craft stuff is shoved in every corner as, unlike my husband I had to sacrifice my office space to make room for a nursery. The table is full up of retro console games that Dave got out earlier to photograph and PROMISES will be gone by the end of the night… No real consideration about the fact I may have wanted to use the table. Bin bag sat on the living room floor… Full of rubbish, haven’t had chance to take it out to the bins yet and basically there’s just crap everywhere. Overwhelming amounts of crap.
I’ve lost my camera. Again. I’ve lost my camera and I think I’m going mad. This is the second camera I’ve lost. The first one, which I received for my 30th birthday disappeared shortly after Samuel was born. Gone. We’ve concluded it was stolen from the pram. But that cannot have happened this time because I have the memory card in my laptop…. So, I MUST have had the camera in here.
I’ve also lost my wedding ring. A gift from my grandma. It belonged to my great grandma. Ironically, I took it off and stopped wearing it because I loved it so much I couldn’t bare the thought of losing it or damaging it. But. I feel sad not wearing it. I miss it. And I went to get it from where I thought I’d left it a year or so ago and it’s gone. I have no idea where.
When I fell pregnant my body became sensitive and I removed my pandora bracelet. I hadn’t taken it off for years. Dave bought it for me whilst I was on a 6months inner healing program in Yorkshire (2013) and I hadn’t taken it off since then. I put it in my top drawer. I went to get it yesterday and it’s gone.
I’m not a jewellery person, my wedding ring, that bracelet my pearl necklace (which I never ever take off, despite the fact my baby has taken to trying to strangle me with it daily) and a friendship bracelet made my close friend Becca are the only pieces I care about. And they’re all gone, except the necklace.
I’m not careless, it’s not that I don’t care or value my things. I really do. Replacing my camera wasn’t easy, I’ve waited months and we’ve sacrificed our anniversary holiday to buy it…. And it’s gone.
Dave just came in and found my crying and typing on the sofa, he helped me find my camera…. It was under a sofa cushion…. I’m SURE I looked there yesterday! And he tidied away his games, he said if I’d have told him I wanted to use the table he’d have cleared them away straight away and I absolutely believe him. It’s just hard to ask sometimes. “Can you do this?” Is easier than saying “Can you do this right now?”
I THINK he’s doing the dishwasher now too, which is lovely because part of the reason I found myself in floods of tears was the state of the house (Again) I find myself forever in catch up mode. I deep cleaned the bathroom on Friday thinking if I can just get every room sorted I can then keep them maintained easily…. But somehow the living room descended into chaos, and the kitchen and the bedroom (although to be honest the bedroom was never actually tidy at all) (tomorrows job is deep cleaning, sorting and organising the bedroom) (good luck me!)
I’m not going mad, I know that, I know things get misplaced and found and sometimes things get stolen. I can’t control the actions of others. Realistically my ring and my bracelet must both be in the bedroom and I’m hopefully I’ll find them tomorrow.
Now I’m somewhat calmer I’ll explain that I recently came off the medication that helped me stay on top of PTSD (mood swings, anxiety, flashbacks, panic). For the most part I don’t need them any more but I’m really struggling with the adjustment to having unsuppressed emotions. I just need time to adjust to it and keep reminding myself what I’m feeling is normal, it’s my body settling down, the world (and Dave) (sorry Dave, I love you very much) is not against me and I shouldn’t act like they are.
Adjusting to life with a baby is hard in itself without throwing PTSD, DID and anxiety into the mix! I need to give myself grace, I’ll make mistakes, I’ll get cross, I’ll snap (Sorry again Dave) but so long as I’m working at reclaiming control of my emotions/ moods and try really hard to lose my rag because there’s something on the table and the dishwasher needs stacking then that’s enough for now. Recovery from trauma is a long one and adjusting to a sudden removal of mood suppressants is not exactly easy in the best of circumstances.
Anyway! I feel like that’s enough of the rambling for now, I should probably go make the baby’s bottle before he wakes up and shouts at me!
Thank you for reading!
If you have any “When I was a new Mum I broke down in tears because of this daft reason” stories I’d love to hear them…. I’d especially love to hear when your “baby brain” stopped. I didn’t think baby brain was a real thing, but it absolutely is. Please do comment down below!
Much love! <3