Having a Moment!

Hey, I know I haven’t blogged for a while, I don’t really have an excuse other than I didn’t know what know write about.

It’s Sunday night, it’s 10pm. My 5month old is about to wake up and cry the place down because he wants a bottle and I’m sat on the living room floor sobbing.

Laundry is scattered all over the place, a clean pile, a dirty pile and a pile of things I’m not sure about. There’s coloured rice all over the carpet (did some sensory play with Sam earlier, he loved it). Craft stuff is shoved in every corner as, unlike my husband I had to sacrifice my office space to make room for a nursery. The table is full up of retro console games that Dave got out earlier to photograph and PROMISES will be gone by the end of the night… No real consideration about the fact I may have wanted to use the table. Bin bag sat on the living room floor… Full of rubbish, haven’t had chance to take it out to the bins yet and basically there’s just crap everywhere. Overwhelming amounts of crap.

I’ve lost my camera. Again. I’ve lost my camera and I think I’m going mad. This is the second camera I’ve lost. The first one, which I received for my 30th birthday disappeared shortly after Samuel was born. Gone. We’ve concluded it was stolen from the pram. But that cannot have happened this time because I have the memory card in my laptop…. So, I MUST have had the camera in here.

I’ve also lost my wedding ring. A gift from my grandma. It belonged to my great grandma. Ironically, I took it off and stopped wearing it because I loved it so much I couldn’t bare the thought of losing it or damaging it. But. I feel sad not wearing it. I miss it. And I went to get it from where I thought I’d left it a year or so ago and it’s gone. I have no idea where.

When I fell pregnant my body became sensitive and I removed my pandora bracelet. I hadn’t taken it off for years. Dave bought it for me whilst I was on a 6months inner healing program in Yorkshire (2013) and I hadn’t taken it off since then. I put it in my top drawer. I went to get it yesterday and it’s gone.

I’m not a jewellery person, my wedding ring, that bracelet my pearl necklace (which I never ever take off, despite the fact my baby has taken to trying to strangle me with it daily) and a friendship bracelet made my close friend Becca are the only pieces I care about. And they’re all gone, except the necklace.

I’m not careless, it’s not that I don’t care or value my things. I really do. Replacing my camera wasn’t easy, I’ve waited months and we’ve sacrificed our anniversary holiday to buy it…. And it’s gone.

Dave just came in and found my crying and typing on the sofa, he helped me find my camera…. It was under a sofa cushion…. I’m SURE I looked there yesterday! And he tidied away his games, he said if I’d have told him I wanted to use the table he’d have cleared them away straight away and I absolutely believe him. It’s just hard to ask sometimes. “Can you do this?” Is easier than saying “Can you do this right now?”

I THINK he’s doing the dishwasher now too, which is lovely because part of the reason I found myself in floods of tears was the state of the house (Again) I find myself forever in catch up mode. I deep cleaned the bathroom on Friday thinking if I can just get every room sorted I can then keep them maintained easily…. But somehow the living room descended into chaos, and the kitchen and the bedroom (although to be honest the bedroom was never actually tidy at all) (tomorrows job is deep cleaning, sorting and organising the bedroom) (good luck me!)

I’m not going mad, I know that, I know things get misplaced and found and sometimes things get stolen. I can’t control the actions of others. Realistically my ring and my bracelet must both be in the bedroom and I’m hopefully I’ll find them tomorrow.

Now I’m somewhat calmer I’ll explain that I recently came off the medication that helped me stay on top of PTSD (mood swings, anxiety, flashbacks, panic). For the most part I don’t need them any more but I’m really struggling with the adjustment to having unsuppressed emotions. I just need time to adjust to it and keep reminding myself what I’m feeling is normal, it’s my body settling down, the world (and Dave) (sorry Dave, I love you very much) is not against me and I shouldn’t act like they are.

Adjusting to life with a baby is hard in itself without throwing PTSD, DID and anxiety into the mix! I need to give myself grace, I’ll make mistakes, I’ll get cross, I’ll snap (Sorry again Dave) but so long as I’m working at reclaiming control of my emotions/ moods and try really hard to lose my rag because there’s something on the table and the dishwasher needs stacking then that’s enough for now. Recovery from trauma is a long one and adjusting to a sudden removal of mood suppressants is not exactly easy in the best of circumstances.

Anyway! I feel like that’s enough of the rambling for now, I should probably go make the baby’s bottle before he wakes up and shouts at me!

Thank you for reading!

If you have any “When I was a new Mum I broke down in tears because of this daft reason” stories I’d love to hear them…. I’d especially love to hear when your “baby brain” stopped. I didn’t think baby brain was a real thing, but it absolutely is. Please do comment down below!

Much love! <3

 

January Craft Round Up

If you’ve been following my vlogs you’ll know that I’m both pregnant and poorly. Honestly, I have never felt so unwell in my entire life. I’ve had cold like symptoms for over four weeks now, I’ve fainted, felt nauseated and generally I am fed up.

I’ve missed so much work and university I’m really stressing out and that’s probably not helping things.
I’m trying desperately not to just sleep all day and at least try to stay out of bed for a few hours. Walking just a few meters makes me feel desperately unwell so when I can drag myself out of bed I’ve been making cards.

Not sure what I’m going to do with them all, I’m terrible at selling things. They’ll likely find their way to a charity shop. (When I can drag myself down there!)
I was going to produce a blog with step by step tutorials for the cards I’ve made but honestly, they’re very very simple so I’m just going to write simple instructions next to the finished product.

 

Hugs N Kisses

I relied heavily on my Cricut for this card, but this card could easily be created with a printer and a die cutting machine.

Firstly, I took an A4 piece of card and using my Cricut drew flowers on 4 by 4 inches of it. I then got the machine to cut my card stock into two 8 by 4 pieces of card and folded to create a 4 by 4 card with the flower print on the front.

If you do not have a Cricut you could very easily just print the pattern and cut the card with a paper cutter (honestly this may be a quicker and more effective way of getting it done).

Using the leftover card, I cut a square (3 by 3 inches) with a heart in the middle. (Again, I used the Cricut but a paper cutter and die cutter would work just fine). I then took a scrap piece of red card I had laying about and attached it to the back of the heart.

The writing at the bottom of the card “Hugs N Kisses” was written by my Cricut but you could easily print this or use a rubber stamp!

Two days later the post continues! (I know I could have easily gotten away with withholding that information!) In the past few days I took a ton of cards to the charity shop and then attempted to sell some (50p each) on a local Facebook page. Totally overwhelmed by the response I got, and it’s really helped improve my mood. (I’ve been in a bit of a mental health spiral).

Hedgehugs

This is one of my favourite cards and one of the easiest ones to make!

As above I cute my card stock into an 8 by 4 rectangle and folded to create a 4 by 4 folded card.

I also used my Cricut (this is not sponsored by Cricut I just use it a lot!) (Which is good really because it was quite spendy!) to cut out the frame.

To make this card I used a stamp by Lawn Fawn (which is quickly becoming my favourite stamping brand!) And then used water colours to colour the picture.

I then stamped the words on the frame and mounted it onto the card using double sided foam tape.

My mermaid, elephant, unicorn and dragon cards where all created using this technique.

Love You

I used the hearts created from the “Hedgehugs” frame to create this card.

I used faber castell gelatos as make shift water colours to paint the birds and then created the splatter technique by flicking a wet brush against the paint stick (although I’m not sure paint is the most accurate word?!)

I used my Cricut to cut a piece of card and write “Love You” and then mounted the heart onto an offcut of card I had laying around before attaching it to the card!

 

Monkey and Penguin

To create my monkey and penguin cards I purchased the clipart images from Etsy. I used my…… (Can you guess?!) CRICUT to cut the images out of cardstock.

As above the Cricut cut out a 4 by 4 folded card and wrote the messages on the front.

If you found your way here via one of my cards I’d like to thank you so much for your support! I’d love to hear your comments (either on here or via my facebook page). Let me know if you bought your card from me, the local charity shop or if you were gifted it!

I’m going to try and do a craft update monthly (note the TRY) as often I make things and they get put away never to be seen again!

Don’t forget to check out my youtube channel, I have a video I’ll be editing and uploading in the next couple of days (it was supposed to go up Wednesday) (Sorry!) and as soon as I’m better I’ll be filming weekly vlogs again!

If you want to find out more about the mental health condition I currently have please feel free to check out my latest upload (linked below) which explains a bit about my journey with DID (Dissosiative Identity Disorder)

 

Look after yourself thank you so much for reading my blog!

Take care!

Vicky

Is This Terrible?! – Mum guilt – Pregnancy

Pregnancy isn’t all I expected it to be. At all. Morning sickness lasted all day for the first 18 weeks… Thing improved after that for an entire… 4 weeks. I then got hit by a viral infection which is yet to leave me 3 weeks on.

I love that I’m having a baby. I’ve waited a very long time and I feel like I should be enjoying this more… It’s hard to enjoy vomiting and illness even when you’re carrying the miracle of life…. If anything, the miracle of life is making it harder!

I haven’t been to university since before Christmas, I’m pretty sure my friends and lecturers will have forgotten who the heck I am at this point! This is week three of missing work too, I feel terrible because I’m a fairly new employee and it’s getting to the point where I’ll have been off sick more than I’ve worked (not quite but it still worries me!). I’ll be going on maternity leave soon as well so I feel like I’m taking advantage… There’s really nothing I can do though. Walking gently to the shops and back caused me to faint on Saturday, so there’s no way I can work in a busy nursery.

I am so bored though!

I’ve emailed my university lecturer to clarify the title of my next assignments… I figure whilst I’m stuck in bed I may as well get started on that, especially as I want to try and finish my entire first year by Easter.

I have really enjoyed buying things and preparing for baby though! I’ve bought some really cute bits and pieces (both new and second hand) and I’ve been very happily showing them off on my youtube channel!

I am DESPERATE to get baby Samuel’s room ready but realistically I can’t even stand for longer than 10 minutes at the moment! We’ve bought new curtains and some storage, but I am itching to get everything set up!

Feeling pretty organised, I don’t think there’s anything else we really need for his arrival which is nice considering he’s not even due until May!

If anyone has some top tips for dealing with illness in pregnancy, please do comment!

If you’re interested in what I got up to last week (hint, it wasn’t a lot) feel free to check out last week’s vlog!

 

Thank you for reading! I’ll update with something more interesting soon!

BABY! BABY! BABY! OHHHH……

We’re having a baby!

Words cannot describe how THRILLED I am!

I’ve taken about 5 pregnancy tests over the last week and they all say… I’m pregnant.
It’s been a long, long wait of disappointment and longing but after 12 years of looking after other people’s children it’s final happened!

As I’m writing this I’m waiting for Dave to decide how he wants to announce the news publicly (once this is posted he’d have done it!) (I’ll insert a picture below!)

I’ve got a Pinboard of baby clothes, a Pinboard of baby toys and a Pinboard of baby shower ideas!

If you’ve read my previous post you’ll know I’ll be starting university shortly…. My last two years of Uni will be an interesting experience…. I’m sure juggling a tiny baby and studying will be an interesting experience but I’m up for the challenge!

I’ll honestly never forget the feeling of sitting on the toilet staring at a pee drenched pregnancy test, watching in awe as two tiny pink lines develop.

There’s so much to do! So much to get ready! I feel sick and tired, no, exhausted! Regardless I am totally determined to enjoy every single second of this wonderful gift I’ve been given (even if it means no cheese board at Christmas!)

I haven’t vlogged in a while because there’s no way I could keep it secret! As of now I’ll be vlogging again (you can find my channel here…. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5cl-9ztdzPg1E4sZs4VskA)
You can also follow my Instagram here… https://www.instagram.com/paperteaparty/
Instagram is probably my most updated social media page 😊

Feel free to spam me with cute baby clothes, lovies, toys etc!

Love Vicky xx

 

It’s been an entire week since I’ve written this! Maybe two actually I’m unsure! We’ve announced the pregnancy

 

I’ve done a little baby clothes haul on youtube – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32M13BYZZZ0&t=405s

I’ve thrown up A LOT.

And I’m currently eating a bacon sandwich….. I’M A VEGETRAIAN!

We have a midwife appointment next week, she’s going to take some of my blood (Yuck) (I’m such a baby when it comes to needles!) Take my blood pressure (I hate that too!) and book my dating scan! (That’s exciting!) Because my cycles are a bit off I’m not exactly sure how many weeks pregnant I am but based on the average cycle I’m 6 weeks (7 weeks tomorrow!) Baby Pip is currently about the size of a blueberry!

Currently babysitting, sat at softplay, tiny people I’m looking after are running around playing and planning anything and everything on Pintrest! I want to decorate EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY!
You can check out my pinboards here!

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/mrsvburford/

Look after yourself!

 

Vicky 😀

September

I’ve been desperately waiting to write this blog for about half a year and I’m incredibly excited I finally can!

September

September 1999, I was unconfident, shy, lonely and starting secondary school.

Five years later I left school selective mute, suicidal, depressed, hopeless and with no real useful qualifications.

Secondary school taught me a few things…

–          I am ugly

–          I am lazy

–          I am stupid

–          I am worthless

September 2004, I started an apprenticeship and a year later finished it with an NVQ 2 in childcare.

September 2009 I’d finished my NVQ 3 and ended up in a management position by January 2010.

I dreamed of studying further but the lies I’d learnt in secondary school

–          I am ugly

–          I am lazy

–          I am stupid

–          I am worthless

Alongside financial instability prevented me.

Everything in life went a bit awful and I September 2012 I travelled to Australia to live with some people I met on the internet… (Spoilers it did NOT end well).

After a trip to America (Detroit), I found myself staying with my Brother in Seaton…. I was really very poorly (I later discovered I have a complicated mental health issue called DID, which in short is a complicated form of PTSD).

September 2013, I found myself navigating the application process to Mercy Uk and November 2013 I found myself amongst other residents in the beautiful Mercy house.

Mercy taught me how to function and how to actually live rather than survive. Reflecting now the most life changing things for me were…

–          People believed in me. My facilitator (who I adored) (and still do) genuinely believed I had potential to go far in life… When she told me as much something really clicked for me. A spark sparked… No one had ever told me they believed in me or that they saw potential in me before.

–          Mercy helped me take the things I’d learnt in school and see them for what they really were. Lies.

–          With their help I took the words

I am ugly

–          I am lazy

–          I am stupid

–          I am worthless

And replaced them with a single truth.

–          I am His.

Discovering that Father God, creator of the Universe calls ME daughter helped me dare to dream again.

I left Mercy Summer 2014 determined to make a difference in the world. I danced about a bit trying to work out what to do with myself but….

September 2015, I enrolled in college and retook GCSE Maths and English.

In early 2016, I began to lose the control I’d developed over my mental health and started trauma therapy.

Studying, working and navigating my way through trauma was incredibly hard and I remember several occasions losing the ability to read and being confused about where I was… Both these things happened in my English exam! I also started finding myself in places and not knowing exactly how I got there (which hadn’t happened since early 2013). Despite this I finished college with B’s in both English and Maths!

My English teacher told me I had a gift for writing which still makes me feel proud to this day!

September 2016, I enrolled on an access to higher education course in social science.

It.

Was.

Hard.

So hard. I ended up slipping back into discorded eating, self-mutilation and abusing laxatives. I got signed off work, upped therapy to twice a week, had to check in with my GP once a week for seemingly forever (a couple of months) and was one slip up away from getting myself sectioned.

Despite all of this I am VERY pleased to announce…

I passed!

15 credits at DISTINCTION

21 credits at Merit

9 credits at Pass

Not dreadful for someone spending a large percentage of her time dissociated!

This all means….

*Drum roll*

September 2017…..

I’ll be….

STARTING A DEGREE!

I’ll be attending UWE (University West of England) and I’ll be studying Early Childhood.

I am so excited and I am so grateful.

I wouldn’t be in this position were it not for my husband Dave, God mother Dawn, everyone at Mercy United Kingdom (especially Catrina, Natalie, Debbie and Jennie), my wonderful Therapist, the wonderful, understanding family I had the privilege of working for… (I wouldn’t have been able to work for as long as I did without such amazingly understanding employers and such wonderfully behaved children) and my wonderful supportive friends!

The next three years are going to be a challenge but I’m looking forward to it. My mental health is getting better every day and not only do I have control over my parts again but the traumas I’ve experienced have less effect on all of me and I’m finally learning to feel/ process emotions in an effective and safe way.

I have huge plans for after my degree but I’m going to talk about those in a separate post… Or maybe I’ll do a vlog!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post!

If you enjoyed it feel free to check out my social media!

Vicky xxx